Dissolving

I drove down the highway late one night from work, and as I headed for home it began to occur to me that I wasn't going home the same way I had gone the past few years on that familar drive. I had to take a new route, to my new home. My home without him.

Tired from a long day, all I wanted to do was fall into my bed in my own home, with him. Scenarios starting spinning around in my head.

I still had the keys to the apartment. I could go there, walk in... better yet he might not be there so I could just crawl into bed and sleep and wait. He would come home, see me, be so overwhelmed that he would grab me and tell me over and over how wrong he was, he would change, he would never lose me again. It would all be over. It would finally be over.

But it's so strange how I pictured us because as I saw him holding me so close, so tight, I saw myself dissolving into him. 

My mind formed that picture without me prompting it to. I just knew. I knew that if I went back that this person that I've become, this person that needs more, would be gone. 

I'd disappear all over again.