Grace in Small Things: 5 of 365

1. Waking up to the daylight.
2. The sun filtering through my window in the afternoon, and the tree outside as it starts to bloom.
3. Seeing the sun peek through clouds after it rains.
4. Arriving home from work with the sun still shinning.
5. The sun going down and filling the sky with grey and blue.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Dissolving

I drove down the highway late one night from work, and as I headed for home it began to occur to me that I wasn't going home the same way I had gone the past few years on that familar drive. I had to take a new route, to my new home. My home without him.

Tired from a long day, all I wanted to do was fall into my bed in my own home, with him. Scenarios starting spinning around in my head.

I still had the keys to the apartment. I could go there, walk in... better yet he might not be there so I could just crawl into bed and sleep and wait. He would come home, see me, be so overwhelmed that he would grab me and tell me over and over how wrong he was, he would change, he would never lose me again. It would all be over. It would finally be over.

But it's so strange how I pictured us because as I saw him holding me so close, so tight, I saw myself dissolving into him. 

My mind formed that picture without me prompting it to. I just knew. I knew that if I went back that this person that I've become, this person that needs more, would be gone. 

I'd disappear all over again.

Wise words

"He's got his head so far up his ass that he can't see daylight...so I don't know what you expected."

Love, Mom

It Never Rains in Southern California

I heard this song in the car twice in the last 2 weeks and it was playing on LOST the other night. I had never heard it before now.

I think it's an omen.

Albert Hammond wants me to move to southern California and I think he might be right.



On second thought...

Got on a board a west bound seven forty seven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true.

Seems it never rain in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl, don't they warn ya
It pours man it pours.
Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self respect I'm out of bread
I'm under loved I'm under fed
I wanna go home
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya, it pours, man it pours.

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but don't know which one to take
Please don't tell them how you found me
Don't tell them how you found me give me a break
Give me a break

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl, don't they warn ya
It pours man it pours

My future life

A bright, coral dress caught my eye recently. When I tried it on, I found that it was really flattering and I looked quite happy in it too. But I thought, where am I wearing a bright, coral dress? A date? No. An event? None on the horizon. So where?

When I explained this dress to someone, I described it as a dress for "my future life." Sometime in the future I will get dressed up to go to dinner, or maybe even a date. I cant imagine dating now and I don't know when I'll be ready. Now it seems like such a bizarre concept. While I am not with him anymore, he is still "with" me. I cant share any part of myself with another person right now. In my heart, I'm still only his. At some point, this wont be the case. But that's in the future.

Now though, I think about my future life. What it will it be like? Will it include fancy dresses? I haven't bought anything fancy yet, but I sometimes wonder. I also wonder about "my future apartment." There will be a day when I'll have my very own home again.

I've seen a few things that I'd like for the kitchen of my future apartment. I don't have much at this point. What I do have is quite the ragtag team and besides, everything is in boxes now. I'm not faced with the mugs he filled with tea for me at night, the plates we used to assemble the dinners we made together, or the bowls we piled high with ice cream sundaes. When those boxes are opened and I start unpacking, I wonder how many of those things I wont be able to bear to look at again. I'm not sure yet what all of that will feel like. Again, its the future me unpacking boxes and perhaps sobbing into latte bowls and packing paper.

I imagine that when I do start to fill my future home, I'll amass a collection of things I truly love. I'd like to be surrounded by things I really enjoy.

I've had my eye on...

Ikat bowls from Anthropologie

Alessi Le Posate Ice Cream Heart Spoons

Mercury Table Lamp by Dania

Phantom Table Lamp by cb2

Branch Hooks (for jewlery) by Urban Outfitters

Pod Table by Urban Outfitters

nine lives

I went into the Renegade Handmade store on Division the other day and I found it to be filled with some very lovely things. As I walked around looking at the handmade journals, jewelry, aprons, t-shirts and dolls, it sparked ideas in my head about my next crafty project. What it will be? Will I take up crewling? I think I might.

While I was there I grabbed a cutie present for Mr. O, my best friend's son, and as I checked out at the register, one thing caught my eye.

A clever kitty pin.

So I looked around the Renegade Handmade blog and found that it is an artist by the name of Cathy Peng who creates these kitty images. I found her blog and website and while I searched around, I found 2 images that I loved. Each one reminds me of my not-so-clever kitty, Scrambels.

This one is "nine lives." It seemed prophetic to put it on my blog and I also loved it. Especially that 9th image. My favorite, the back of the head pose.

This one is called "Squeeze" and I thought it was so sweet. Very much like squeezing Scrambels, my not-so-clever kitty.

and my Scrambels himself, in all his glory....

Happiness

My best friend asked me the question, one week after my break-up, "If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?" I was kind of dumb struck, I had no idea how to answer that question and she was shocked. How could I not know, if the sky was the limit, what I wanted to do most in this world?

Now when I ask myself that same question, I end up with vague images of what my ideal life looks like, but it isn't tangible yet. They are just glimpses. I think I first have to ask myself, "What makes me happy?"

Ever since I was very young, I only wished for one thing when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake.

"To be happy."

I wasn't an unhappy kid, in fact I was a very happy, well-adjusted kid. But for as long as I can remember, I knew that if I had to wish for something for my future, it should undoubtedly be for happiness. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, or where I would live, or who I would be with; I only knew that when I was doing whatever I ended up doing, I had to be happy doing it. So every year I wished for the same thing.

"Happiness"

After this break-up, and only very recently, it occurred to me that happiness is all up to me. I have to be the one that makes that wish a reality. So, "What do I want to do?" and "What makes me happy?"

Well.... it's my my job to figure that out now.

Grace in Small Things: 4 of 365

1. The house filling up with the smell of rosemary.
2. Sitting with my best friend (in the same room) and talking and just simply "being."
3. Laughing so hard I cry.
4. Making it to the 11th panel of the rock climbing wall.
5. Feeling soreness in my body from an afternoon of very successful climbing.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Dreams of flying

Last night I dreamt I was flying. Actually, I was a superhero and I was fighting some villain. Mainly, I was flying around a city at night, being chased. I kept finding myself on the ground, running around buildings, trying to fly and get away, but every time I tried to bolt upwards, I could only get a few stories off the ground. It was frustrating because I knew I could fly. There were times when I was way up in the air but just as I realized I was really high up, I started to slowly drift downward, unable to stop myslef from drifting and get higher up, until finally I would float to the ground.

Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power. Having difficulties staying in flight indicates a lack of power in controlling your own circumstances. You may be struggling to stay aloft and stay on course. Things like power lines, trees, or mountains may further obstruct your flight. These barriers represent a particular obstacle or person who is standing in your way in your waking life. You need to identify who or what is hindering you from moving forward. It may also be an indication of a lack of confidence. You need to believe in yourself and not be afraid.
from Flying Dreams from Dreammoods

There were no other barriers stopping me staying aloft except myself. Interesting.

photo by madmack66

Hotel Life

Hotels, and specifically hotel rooms, are one of my absolute favorite things. I have a very vivid memory from being maybe 13 or 14, watching tv and stumbling upon a movie that implanted a lasting idea in my head. John Malkovich was lounging around in bed in a glamorous hotel room as Andie MacDowell paced back and forth in some expensive-looking silk robe. That was all it took; I was hooked and soon became engrossed in watching. I soon realized that these two weren't merely vacationing in this fantastic hotel, they lived in it! The story no longer really mattered, what I came away with was this idea that you could actually live in a hotel.

A hotel room is a microcosm of another reality you get to inhabit for a little while. It isn't your real home, but for only a short time it’s all yours. It’s always magically clean and tidy. It's sometimes glamorous or interesting. It's also transient. It eludes to an idea of travel and uncovering maybe a mystery. I always loved that idea of living in a hotel. Living in another reality. Right now, I think I've accomplished just that.

Living with my parents -- in a home that is always meticulously clean, new, orderly, and with the nicest room and bathroom I've ever had complete with perfectly folded matching towels and fresh white sheets-- is like living in a hotel. It's an alternate reality; it isn't really my home, its only a short-lived solution, but right now its all mine. It's also not entirely real life.

Real life is not a tangible concept right now. One day I was in a partnership with the same person for 9 years, living a life that I thought was going to be sustained for the rest of my life. Thoughts of something other than that never seemed possible. I had wished for change, but not like this.

Don't get me wrong, this was the right thing to do in all aspects. But now I have to find my new reality. The lines of this new reality are sometimes blurry, feel transient; and, yes, are a bit of a mystery.

Goodnight

At night, I have flashes of him. Our most peaceful and sweet moments would come as we said goodnight and settled into sleep. Sometimes when I climb into bed, I imagine him saying goodnight to me. I imagine his eyes in the dark, looking at me, smiling at me, telling me one last thing before we fall asleep.

Now, when I return after getting up in the middle of the night, I am reminded of how he would welcome me back into bed.

In the dark, I walk into our bedroom.

As I approach the bed, he folds back the sheets and blankets.

He grabs me.

Throws the sheets over me as I settled back into his arms.

We fall asleep.

I was lucky to be loved that way. I know what love looks like now. I also know that his love wasn't the only thing I needed. I needed his partnership, commitment, respect and support. I needed him to share my goals and give of himself the way I gave of myself, whole-heartedly.

That love was special and sweet and kind and it sustained us through tough times, good and bad, and as we grew into adults. It has shaped who we are and it will always be a part of us.

Those memories are sweet and comforting, but also reflective of the true loss I am now left with. That love is still with me, as it always had been and always will be.

photo by sskennel

Grace in Small Things: Day 3 of 365

1. The spikey hair on the back of Scrambels head, it cracks me up for some reason.
2. The color Grey.
3. The smell of lavender.
4. Waking up to melted snow.
5. Soft, fuzzy blankets.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Found!

Lip gloss from Nars in Orgasm.

Unfortuante name, lovely color.

The Five Stages of Grief

People keep saying to me that I'm going through the stages of grief. After all, I am grieving the break-up of a nine year relationship. So I thought about that and I looked it up.

The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

When I read this, I felt like those five stages looked very familiar to me. They looked familiar because I went through all five before we even broke up. That in itself is a pretty interesting thought. But it wasn’t until I really examined each stage that I began to realize where in the cycle I am now (6 weeks after the break-up), Anger. And surprisingly, anger feels pretty good.

When I reflect on the time before the break-up, I realize that I went through each stage while I was in the process of accepting that we had to break-up. It went like this:

1. Denial -- We wouldn't break up. All the things that I was so unhappy about weren't that bad. We would be fine eventually. It can be ignored.
2. Anger -- Anger at him for not reacting to us falling apart, that he wouldn't give me what I needed. But that anger was passive aggressive, withdrawn, and distanced. I lived with it for a long time and didn't express it.
3. Bargaining -- If I just give more of myself and ask for less, it'll work out.
4. Depression -- I lost interest in myself and my own happiness. I felt lost, alone and distraught.
5. Acceptance -- One day I burst into tears, unprovoked, and let it all out. I knew we were over and voiced it.

It took another 6 weeks before I was finally ready to let go. During those 6 weeks I again cycled through the stages.

1. Denial --It's really not that bad. After all, we love each other. We cant possibly be apart.
2. Anger -- Hating him for all this pain, but again I was passive.
3. Bargaining -- Trying to find ways to live with what he could give.
4. Depression, and then finally...
5. Acceptance -- Setting the date for moving out.

So now where am I? Time and distance has offered me a lot of perspective. I can tell that I am back at #2, Anger.

It's weird, I didn't even know I was that angry until very recently. I go through my days with a pretty level head. Then one day I thought about why I kept waking up in the middle of the night in distress. It's my dreams. All the anger I bottled up and didn't express was inside of me and in my dreams I am hitting him, yelling at him, throwing vases at this head. I'm showing him all the anger I never let myself fully feel or express. Once I realized how angry I was, I started sleeping better.

I have a lot of anger towards him and it feels kind of great to allow myself to feel it. For so long, I didnt let myself feel how angry and sad I was. I just lived with it and pushed it down. To allow myself the freedom to feel angry feels wonderful and supportive and better yet, healthy. This anger is helping me see all the negative aspects of the relationship that I just pushed aside for so long so I wouldnt make things worse. I think now I feel comfortable being mad, realize its a part of the process, and will let it take its course.

But what about #3, Bargaining? What am I going to bargain for? What am I going to negotiate? I wonder if this is what I'll tell myself:

ME

OK, Self. What if you give up your dreams for a better life? Give up getting the kind of respect, love and attention that you deserve. Give up on the partnership you want.

SELF

Sure! We really don't need any of that stuff.

Well...maybe not. I've changed, in just these 6 weeks, I am different. I deserve so much more and I can't imagine giving up what I want now. Anger has helped me see that.

Grace in Small Things: 2 of 365

1. Henry's big brown eyes winking at me.
2. The smell of Mrs. Meyer's Geranium Hand Soap, it reminds me of my best friend. (A little secret: Once I get back home from visiting her, I always buy whatever hand soap she uses so I can be reminded of what it smells like at her house. awww....)
3. My fresh, new haircut. Ahhh.... at last.
4. Bloody Marys.
5. The smell of cinnamon rolls.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Grace in Small Things: 1 of 365

I found something called "Grace in Small Things" which was started by a blogger with this post explaining the concept. Basically, it is this: Everyday, for a year, list 5 small things that have graced your life, either on that day or at any time in your life. Here is a description of why it exists.

Grace in Small Things exists because we are choosing not to allow the noisiness of life to rob us of the time and energy to be mindful of ourselves and those we love and to recognize the grace that exists in small things.
from the Grace in Small Things site

This seemed like a great project for me, so here goes:

1. Absolute joy in finding the Set Decorators of America website.
2. Finding myself very excited about the magazine, Set Decor.
3. A long, steamy, hot shower.
4. A grey, damp day.
5. Mmmm....chocolate covered jelly rings. You can only get them at Passover.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Spring....?

photo by Zanastardust

I realized something, back in January, as the ball got rolling for this break-up. How fitting is it that this all started in the dead of winter. The absolute worst months of winter where the holidays are over and all you have to do now is wait it out in the cold and bitter months preceding spring.

I realized on one cold, grey, bitter January afternoon that by springtime I might begin to feel better. In about 4 months, it might all feel alittle different and maybe I would feel better.

Spring is now approaching. It's getting lighter out. I'm starting to see some grass and little tree buds. And I'm feeling the effects of the distance between me and him.

Calm and sad and peaceful.

Accomplishment, change, and relief.

Alone and apart.

Realization. Truth. Anger. Loss.

Dignity and respect.

So once spring arrives maybe I'll wake up and I wont be angry anymore. Maybe I'll be happy and adjusted and moving on. Or maybe the glaring sun, cheery flowers, and frolicking bunnies are gonna really piss me off.

photo from Cute Overload

Well....maybe not.