30 days later

March 16, 2009 is my 1 month anniversary of starting over. I am very proud of it and also a little frightened by it.

I anticipated this day a few days before it happened and realized it was a milestone; a very significant point in my life. I pictured buying flowers for myself and treating it like an anniversary, something to be celebrated. Then once it got closer, I felt sadder. Yes it’s been a month and I’m proud of that, but it’s also been….a whole month. That’s so long, and it’s only going to get longer.

On the other hand, I could still be there in the middle of all that pain and confusion. I could be wishing something would change. But I’m not, because something certainly did finally change.

About a month before I started this break-up in motion, my graduation day came. I finally got my BFA and my diploma arrived in the mail; it was official. I casually told him about it and he said something to the effect of, “Oh…. wow….. that’s great.” Did he say “great?” I’m not sure. I asked, “Are we going to celebrate?” He replied enthusiastically with something along the lines of, “Yes, of course we should. We should have dinner with friends.” But nothing happened and then I tested him. If I don’t bring this up again, how long will it take for him to bring it up, if at all? Well it never came up again. I didn’t get flowers, or a card, or some acknowledgement of how proud he was of me. No appreciation for my efforts of the past 4 years of hard work, of the accomplishment. Nothing at all. This happened many times in the past, milestones or accomplishments were rarely given attention.

So when this anniversary of mine came, I did buy myself beautiful, sunny, yellow flowers. I celebrated my anniversary. My milestone. I didn’t share it with him, although I wanted to.

I realized that sharing it with him would have taken something away from me. By telling him I was doing well, that would have taken him off the hook to initiate checking in on me. By bringing it to his awareness, it would have been like shoving it in his face and saying, “Here! React to this! Get out of your self-centered head and think about me!” But I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t have to force him to react to anything. I don’t have to jolt him back into reality. That’s one thing I never have to do again. By initiating a communication with him over this, I would have been stuck waiting to see what kind response I was going to get. I would have sat, waiting, analyzing every word of the text or email that would arrive. Maybe he wouldn’t respond at all and I would be crushed.

No, that’s not going to happen to me today. I am too proud of my accomplishment to allow it to come crashing down. I wont be held at the mercy of someone else's reaction. Today is my victory. I don’t need it sullied.

Happy Anniversary to me.