Unconstricted

From the Art and Flair of Mary Blair

This was my first weekend in my new home, all by myself.

Success? Maybe. Insightful? But of course.

I liked it, but every so often my mood would swing from elated joy in my newfound freedom and independence, to a sudden pang of fear that I'm doing everything all by myself, no witnesses. And in those moments I missed him the most.

He was my witness. He knew what I was doing every second of the day. He knew about every appointment, every new piece of clothing, what I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He knew if I was having a bad day or a good day. He was there for all of it.

Now no one is there to see it. To see me.

So is a significant other a witness to our lives? Without that witness, who are we?

I’m doing all of this for only one person now, me. And I know that’s what I needed the most. To live my life for no one but me, because I believe that for the past year, or 2 years, I lived without myself in mind.

I was consumed with what he was thinking, doing, feeling. I was making choices, sometimes, that only had him in mind, not me. His best interests were somehow far superior to mine. And now I’m living for myself. Making my own choices and doing things that only concern me. And while that sometimes makes me feel incredible, it sometimes makes me sad. I can’t help that.

But I had this feeling one day, as I got out of my car in the parking lot of Target, that feeling you get when your body has been constricted and then all of a sudden you are released, like from a tight hug. You can distinctly feel the sensation of being unconstricted, the memory of the tightness still holds onto your body and you feel nothing holding you, you feel freed. I felt this feeling all of a sudden. Why in the parking lot of Target? I have no idea.