Blame?

The source of the negative feelings I'd had towards him had been vague for a while. They were just sitting on top of me, heavily.

So I began to wonder, what was the source? People would ask me, "What do you want to say to him?," and I didn't know how to answer that. Then one morning I thought about what I would say if he were standing in front of me. As I thought about it, I realized what I was really angry about. I thought, how could you not deal with what was happening to us?

Lately, I've begun to wonder what he was really capable of dealing with. I think he could see what was going on, but wasn't able to talk about it or even react to it.

So now I wonder if it's fair to blame him as much as I have. It isn't entirely his fault that he wasn't capable of dealing with my feelings. That's just the way he was. And I didn't push very hard for him to understand what I was going through either.

I think that the more I see things for what they were, the more I realize how different we were, how incompatible, and that we processed our feelings and dealt with each other very differently. And although we loved each other, we were just too different.

Neither one should be angry at the other. Now I can see, with clarity, how I deal with things. I have a much clearer view of what I need in my life and that's what's really important now. Writing about this has helped me to do that and it helps me make some sense out who did what and why. Neither one of us is necessarily a bad person. It just wasn't right.