Letting go and holding on.

I've been thinking a lot about what to write lately. Basically, it's been a much tougher time than I would have anticipated and I haven't been able to find the right way to explain it here, or even to myself. So in the interest of documentation, here goes...

The breakup began around the beginning of January last year. For a long time I designated January 5th for when it all began. I'm not sure exactly if it was that day, but January 5th always seemed right to me. I didn't move out until February 16th, so that's when it will be officially the One Year Anniversary.

So to commemorate this time last year, my subconscious has decided that every night I have to have some kind of dreadful, nightmarish, gut-wrenching dream about my ex; every night since New Years Eve.

Every. Fucking. Night.

Why? Well, maybe I'm paying off some karmic debt. Maybe I did some really heinous shit in another life and now I'm being punished. Or maybe, it's a reaction to the fact we haven't seen each other or even heard each other's voices for a whole year and well, that just feels weird, and in all honesty does seem sort of unnatural. I don't know. I just know that these dreams are pretty unpleasant and they definitely keep him at the top of my mind when I really just want to push him back.

Having these thoughts and dreams gets me sucked right back into wanting to contact him. I often become absolutely convinced it's time. I even have a whole scenario for how our first meeting is going to be. What to hear it?

OK, so I call, no, I text a simple message that just says, "Meet me at X place at Y time. It's time we talked." Nice, right? Simple, to the point, no drama. So then we meet and I walk into the place and I am looking awesome, looking 10 times better than he could have ever remembered me. Then I sit down in front of him, he bursts into tears, takes my hand, apologizes for being such a DICK, he then tells me that he knows that he didn't handle the aftermath of the breakup well, that he knows he wasn't considerate of me, and he is totally ready to participate in a shared narrative of what went wrong and what he and I have learned in this past year and how we've both grown as people, blah blah blah. Then we hug, say goodbye, and wish each other well. And there it is, folks, closure. I will have said the things I needed to say, heard the things I needed to hear, and with that I will have closed that chapter in my life and moved on knowing that we loved each other once, it mattered, it was a big deal, we are better off without each other and we can both go on to live separate, yet fulfilling, lives.

Okay so let's take a minute to let that resonate. Sounds good, right? Healthy. Adult. Cerebral.

Well, here's the thing: That. Is. Fucking. Crazy.

That shit is never gonna happen. Ever. It just isn't. I've alluded to wanting something like this from him, and he hasn't participated. Besides, how often does anything happen the way we picture them ideally happening? I would probably either, (a) trip on my way through the door, (b) burst into tears and humiliate myself, (c) throw something at him and run out, or (d) blurt out some string of incoherent words in fit of hysteria; take your pick.

So if my ideal closure fantasy isn't going to happen, then I really need to let it go. But it's hard to do. There are times when letting go feels so close, but things like holidays, birthdays, and especially the breakup anniversary muddle my brain and make me think that the thing I need the most is not to "let go" but to talk to him, and that's the opposite of letting go; that's "holding on." I sometimes get so close to letting go that it makes me nervous and all I want to do is hold on. And by holding on, I mean that I want to acknowledge that he exists outside of my memory and what I really want is to know that what I participated in for one year shy of a decade (my entire young adult life to date) actually mattered, happened for a reason, and was not some huge colossal waste of my time. In the end, I want to hold on because letting go feels like it all didn't matter, or that it didn't even happen at all.

I guess what I'm really looking for is validation. Validation that all those years mattered for something. But I have a feeling that letting go doesn't mean that those things didn't matter, I think letting go means that those things don't matter anymore. And that's a tough thing to admit. It's hard to say that something so big doesn't matter anymore.

I can tell myself a million supportive, smart things about how letting go is up to me and not dependent on him, but still the draw to contact him is very real because of that nasty little word that hounds so many of us going through breakups, "closure."

I, and I think many others, believe that in order to let go you must first have closure. But here's the thing about closure, it's only something that both people have to be willing to give, you both have to want it, and I'm guessing it takes a great deal of effective communication. And there I think is where my plans fall apart. Communication wasn't our strongest quality. So what makes me think that we could communicate now? What makes me think that something magical would happen now, one year later, that would make us both effective communicators and logical, clear headed, non-emotional, purely friendly individuals coming together for the greater good of this thing we call "closure?"

The answer is that nothing magical is going to happen now. We are who we are. And since that's the case, then I should let go because I'm not going to get the closure I want.

But maybe, someday I'll get a different type of closure. Maybe it will include him, maybe it won't. I have a feeling that whatever it is and whenever it happens, it won't be my ideal closure fantasy, but whatever it is will get me closer to letting go.

In the meantime, I'll keep in mind that I'm doing the best I can, I'm moving on with my life, the last decade wasn't a waste of time, it made me who I am today and for all intents and purposes I really like who I am today, and it also taught me some valuable lessons in how to be a better partner and what to look for in a future partner. With a lot of support from some of the wonderful people in my life (you know how you are) I can remember that closure and letting go is something that has to come from within me and not from anywhere else. And when I feel like I'm getting closer to letting go, I will fight that pull to hold on.

So, Dear Followers, how do you perceive yourself "letting go?" What does it look like to you? Do you think you need closure to let go? Or, are you doing fine without it?

Hello, 2010.

When the clock struck 12:00am on January 31, 2009, I had a reaction I didn't expect.

I breathed one big Sigh... of relief and then I cried, just a small bit. I felt a surge of emotion I didn't see coming. I got emotional not because I missed my ex at that moment really, but because I was just so relieved. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I made it through the year. It was over and I really felt like I accomplished something huge.

The whole year of 2009, starting within the first week of January, was centered around the breakup; getting through it, dealing with it's aftermath, and trying to let go of it. It was a year that both changed me in so many positive ways and was also very hard. This time last year, I could never have imagined what happened was going to happen. I had no idea what my life was going to be like, who I would meet, where I would live, or even who would remain in my life and who would be gone. It's incredible to think of just how different everything is now.

My relationships with my family, my best friend, and everyone else for that matter, all got stronger as a result of me being totally honest with myself about my relationship and what was happening in my life. I hadn't been honest about my relationship before, I was in it and I was trying to stay in it without really facing it. Remember my post, Stockholm Syndrome?

So, 2009 is over. I learned a lot, I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, and I started a new life.

Hello, 2010. Nine is moving on.

Not sure who this image is by, but don't you love it? It seemed fitting.

2009, you really kicked my ass.

January 2009 was the start of one of the hardest years of my life so far, and it will soon be over in just a few hours.

I'm celebrating this New Years very differently than I did last year, but luckily I am with people who love and support me.

Here's the thing: every year for the last many, many, years my ex and I have hosted a New Years Day Party. This party always includes lots of comforting food made by me, endless glasses of champagne, and lots of other goodies which serve one perfectly on a hung-over, sleepy New Years Day. This is the first year in many that I will not be throwing this party.

And so I now start a new tradition, I have taken a page from Julia Child and dug into my favorite Christmas present this year, Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking, Volumes I and II and made Reine de Saba with Glacage au Chocolat (Chocolate and Almond Cake with Chocolate-butter Icing). Yes, yummy.

2009 you really kicked my ass, and I deserve this cake and so do the rest of my breakup blogger friends. We made it through 2009 and I know, I just know, that 2010 is going to yield bigger and better things for all of us.

Lots of love to you bloggers out there. And don't you ever forget, we are awesome.

Photo of my cake posing with Julia's description of how to decorate the cake with slivered almonds.

The Christmas verdict.

The verdict is in. I did not get an email from my ex on, or around, Christmas. I didn't really think I'd get one, but I had been spending some time wondering about it. (If you recall, "Wise Words (Part 3)."

Would he? Won't he? Will I?

The fact is, our emails never go the way I think either of us want them to go. And so I didn't get too upset. It's understandable. But I wonder what it might have felt like to get an email. It might have looked like this:

"Merry Christmas. I hope you are well."

That seems so cold, so impersonal, but it's most likely what it would have looked like. Not that he was cold or impersonal, but what else can you say in a situation like this? If I had gotten this email, I would have read it over and over again and agonized over what to write back. I imagine I would have written this:

"Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. I hope you're well also."

And in the end, what would that have gotten me? Nothing. No sense of closure. Just maybe some additional heartache, because I want to hear so much more than a few lines in an email and I want to say so much more back.

Before Christmas, I thought that the absence of an email from him around the holidays would have meant that he wasn't thinking about me, had forgotten me, or just plain didn't care. I've realized now that this can't be true. I didn't email him either and none of those things are true for me. We spent 9 Christmases together and 9 New Year's Eve's. I'm sure I've crossed his mind this holiday season, just as he's crossed mine (more than I'd care to admit). He wasn't a cold or callous guy, I'm sure he feels some sense of loss. And I don't think a Christmas email was going to make me feel any differently about the importance or impact we made on each others lives. Writing now wasn't going to change any of that.

Dear Followers, if you have a recent ex, did you hear from them this holiday season? If yes or no, how did it make you feel? And, most importantly, are you doing ok? I'd love to know, because I know I'm not alone.

Photo by Vera Vodak.

Setting Goals for 2010

Since many of us are looking forward to saying goodbye to 2009 and are focusing on making positive changes in 2010, I'd like to share an extremely helpful post from the lovely makeup guru/enthusiast/instructor Karen from Makeup and Beauty Blog which she calls, "7 Small Things You Can Do to Reach Your Goals."

Here is what Karen says:

"[...] I’ve been thinking a lot today about goal setting and some of the things that people do to motivate/trick/inspire themselves to get stuff done, whether it be for small tasks (tidying up the house), or big projects (figuring out what to do as a career).

Few things are as empowering as a sense of accomplishment, but a lot has to happen between setting and achieving a goal. Sometimes it can be overwhelming.

Like plants, goals thrive when they’re tended to and cared for, so let’s pay some attention to our goals today. Here are seven things that may help."

Read Karen's full post and the 7 things you can do here: 7 Small Things You Can Do to Reach Your Goals.

Next month I will be defining and documenting my goals for 2010. But what about you, Dear Followers? Would you care to share your goals for the upcoming year? Have you thought about how you will accomplish them? Do you see any potential set-backs as you work towards your goals? If so, how do you plan to overcome them? I'd love to know, because I know I'm not alone.

A Year of Cringe-worthy Facebook Statuses

Photo by delicate dear

So did you see that thing on Facebook where you can create a collage of all your status updates from the year? This application takes all your statuses, lists them by month, and then let's you choose which ones to put in the collage. I barely ever update my status so there weren't that many to choose from, but when I looked at what I had written this year, I kinda cringed. I don't need to tell you this, but this year has, in many ways, been gut-wrenching, comical, and at times surreal.

Reading all the status updates neatly listed on the page felt like I was looking at a timeline of what I've been through this year and since you now know me, you know I love a good list/timeline/bit of recreational documentation. I didn't make the collage, but I felt the need to share.

February (when I was in the thick of the breakup, trying to keep it together):

• is finding NPR very soothing today. (I remember being at work, trying to concentrate and failing, and so I turned on NPR and found it to be an excellent way to keep my mind occupied. It helped me focus on my work and not break into sobs in the middle of my office. Thanks, Terry Gross.)


• feels like she's in a John Hughes "rite de passage" movie.


• cannot wait to get to sunny San Diego tomorrow. It is much, much needed... (The trip I wrote about in My Magical Best Friend.)


• is loving San Diego and is threatening to never return to stupid, snowy Chicago.....


• is back in Chicago..... ew. (Can you tell I didn't want to come home?)

March (settling into my parents house and making some choices as I looked at what was left in my life):

• is giving the crazies the chances.


• Dear Facebook, Thank you for making me vomit today. Sincerely, Ms. Bonheur. (The day I saw that photo of him and some random girl and the day of his subsequent de-friending.)

May (not sure what the hell was going on in May):

• My mom just texted me and referred to some people as “douchebags” but she wrote “db's” instead. I love my mom. (Mom, who were you calling douchebags??)

September (went out to San Diego for my birthday and did not what to come back):

• is back home... albeit begrudgingly. I wonder if a move to California is in my future.

So, Dear Followers of my humble blog, I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to 2009. While I loved it because it was the beginning of many immensely positive changes in my life, it was also, as you know, pretty rough. But I guess that's how you change and how you grow. You gotta get through the good, the bad, and the occasional emotional shitstorm to come out the other end a better person, or something like it.

Photo by SigurDD

Wise Words (Part 3)

I say:
can i ask you something?

My BFF says:
of course

I say:
i keep wondering if i should email him for Christmas...or do you think he might email me?
what if he does/what if he doesnt... it's a pickle
bleh.... [insert barfing emoticon here]

My BFF says:
hmmm....
okay, i'm going to play the "Don't waste your time thinking about him" card in Breakup-opoly here

I say:
nice one... :)

My BFF says:
dont waste your time, mister sister

I say:
ok ok
LOL
mister sister

My BFF says:
that always makes me laugh

I say:
you're just on a roll over there

My BFF says:
Carrie said that on SATC

I say:
oh yeah!
thats where i heard that

My BFF says:
it made me laugh then and it makes me laugh now :)

So true, friends.

The "Don't Waste Your Time Thinking About Him" card from the fast-paced, harrowing, wacky game of Breakup-oploy: Your friends and family can pull this out whenever you start to obsess, perseverate, or just plain drive them crazy.

Dear Followers, I think we could all use this card when we are trying (albeit sometimes unsuccessfully) to let go, don't you think?

Photo by therichbrooks

Breakup Post Traumatic Stress: Yeah, I've got it.

The first snow of the season appeared about 2 weeks ago and when I saw it swirl around the street and cover the ground, it reminded me of one of those souvenir snow globes, but like a souvenir from some horrendous vacation you don't want to remember; and yet, someone dug into the old suitcase you buried in the depths of your closet, reached in, grabbed the snow globe, shook it wildly, and said, "Hey! Remember that shitty vacation?!"

When I saw the snow, I was jolted right back into the snowy months of January and February when the breakup actually happened. Seeing the snow, and feeling the cold, inundated me with flashbacks of that time and the emotions that came with them. It all involuntarily sparked in my brain. Seriously, it felt like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

With the snow on the ground and the weather feeling exactly like it did when I was in the thick of it, I’m having a hard time focusing on the good things I’m doing in my life now and I’m spending more time physically feeling like I’m right back at Day One. I've actually believed, at times, that I have made no progress in all these 10 months. All the insights and the experiences I've had tend to fly right out of my head and I have to really struggle to hold onto them. And that's really a kick in the ass because I had begun to feel so much better about the breakup and I was happy, and seemingly letting go, for a while. So this PTSD is really wearing me down.

When I tried to pin-point what exactly was getting to me, it occurred to me that I won’t be shopping for a Christmas present for him this year. That kinda hit me. I mean of course I’m not, but when I actually think about that, I realize that I have no idea what he would even want because I don’t know him at all anymore. And so I wonder if the person I used to know, and love, is still around or if he’s been totally replaced with the guy I've pictured in my head since the breakup began. I don’t like that guy so much, but I do still care for the other guy, the one I knew for years. You see, it's a contradiction.

So all this makes me want to contact him. It’s been almost a year now and maybe it’s time? I’m not totally sold on the idea that he and I will never be friendly. I always believed that someday we could discuss the train wreck that became our relationship, share insights together, grow as people and all that bullshit. I’m serious, I believe that sometimes. But then I remember that he didn't really ever share those parts of himself with me, so what makes me think he would now? Again, another contradiction.

And that’s the big question. Who is he now? Has he changed? I guess I do really want to know. I've changed so much it's pretty amazing and I wonder if the same thing happened to him. But would knowing help or hurt me? Is his freindship something that would be good for me or not? Or is this breakup PTSD just a phase, just a rough patch, and one which I should just try to move past?

So Dear Followers, how much time has to pass before 2 people can talk again after their breakup? Or, is there never a good time for that? Have you contacted your ex? How did it go? Did you regret it or did it help you? I’d love to know because, well, you know….

Photo by this i recall to mind

Diversions: A breakup's best friend

The holidays keep moving along, coming whether I'm ready or not, and I've been thinking about things like dealing with nostalgia ("Breakups vs. The Holidays") and triumphantly putting up my first Christmas tree on my own ("I'm a Christmas-aholic"). But it's still a tough time no matter what. I still have twinges of panic when I'm faced with the holidays and when that happens, I dig into my bag of diversions, take one out, and become my usual compulsive self over it. One of these diversions is one I've mentioned before.

If you know me now, you know I love beauty products and makeup. Actually, no – I don’t just love them; I’m mildly obsessed with them. I think I've become what you might call a “makeup enthusiast,” if you will. After the breakup, I had to put my energy somewhere productive and this was where it went. I guess as far as diversions go, this is a pretty harmless one.

The other day, I met a girl who too is obsessed. As we were discussing our deep love of products, she sheepishly admitted to watching YouTube videos of makeup artists, and makeup enthusiasts, doing makeup tutorials. I then blurted out that I do this too. When you meet someone who indulges in a makeup obsession so deep that they spend whole chunks of their time watching strangers on the internet apply eyeliner, it’s like admitting to having some kind of secret, forbidden obsession. You belong to some underground club; somewhere where the makeup tutorials are hidden behind a red velvet curtain. She went on to tell me that when she watches these tutorials, she does so in private, with her headphones on, so no one can discover what she’s doing. She hides it. I’m telling you, that’s deep.

I think when you go through a breakup (or anything else particularly difficult) you have to channel your energy and mind into something to keep yourself together. It's easy to get sucked into thinking only about what you're going through, becoming fixated, and maybe eventually becoming stuck. To combat this, people turn to hobbies or tasks to divert their energy and give their minds a much needed break. Some people volunteer, devoting their time to bettering their communities in some way, or maybe they take up productive, self-improving hobbies like cycling. One of the many things that I, on the other hand, turned to is something that is, let's face it, pretty self-indulgent.

But here's the thing about me, I have spent a lot of time dealing with other people's mishegas (translation, other people's crazy). I've been in some form of a long-term relationship since I was 19 and once this breakup began, I, for first time, had to consider what I wanted, liked, and cared about without the usual outside relationship influences steering me off in other directions. At first this was intimidating and then as I slowly started to do whatever I damn-well pleased, it became kind of exciting.

Doing something solely for myself, something that only concerned me, become a very welcomed diversion. Makeup evolved into something fun, fluffy and self-centered; and well, that was exactly what I needed. Therefore, researching and trying new products is like a part-time job. Seriously, I think about this shit, a lot, and I figured that all this thought and research should go somewhere besides my makeup bag and so I'm sharing it with you. Here are two makeup tutorial websites I like. I'm lifting the red curtain here and I feel a bit exposed. So feel free to enjoy them, and for that matter, feel free to enjoy whatever diversions you created for yourself to help you through your particularly difficult time, without shame.

Fashion Face tv and the Fashion Face YouTube channel

Berlin Hair Baby

So Dear Followers of my humble blog, what did you do to help you through your breakup, or tough time in your life? Volunteer? Travel? Blog? Or something else not-so-wholesome? I'd love to know, because I know I'm not alone.

P.S. Just tried out Dior's DiorShow mascara (thanks for letting me borrow it, Mom!) and it's wonderful; no clumps, has a reputation for lasting a whole six months without ever getting dried out, and it's perfumed so it makes your face smell nice. Now I ask you this, how can you not feel good when your eyelashes are perfumed?

I'm a Christmas-aholic

My name is Le Bonheur, and I'm a Christmas-aholic.

Hi, Le Bonheur.

I love Christmas trees, little white lights, tinsel, hot cocoa, baking cookies, the Muppet's Christmas Carol, peppermint, snow (before it gets all grey and unpleasant), and I really love it when they wrap giant tinsel candy canes around the lamp posts of parking lots. For me, decorating a tree doesn't just take an afternoon, it takes weeks, it’s an organic process and one which I enjoy tremendously.

I love it, but Christmas last year was, as I’ve said before, “slightly tinged with crap.” My breakup began just days after New Years and when I think about that time, I remember sitting on my living room floor and packing my Christmas paraphernalia by myself in a rather unpleasant state (that is to put it mildly) and I was convinced that when a ‘future me’ opened those boxes in a future life I couldn’t possibly even fathom at that time, that ‘future me’ would be reminded of the breakup and my love of Christmas would be ruined due to the fact that I underwent a veritable, emotional shit-storm during the most happy, warm, and glittery time of the year. What a terrifying thought.

Now it’s almost 11 months later... into the future.

Right after Halloween I started eyeing the stores for signs of Christmas and when the Christmas candy appeared, I scanned myself for any signs of (a) being super pissed that Christmas was coming or (b) getting giddily excited that it was coming. Well, I got a little giddy and I have to admit that I was anxious too. So I thought I could maybe combat this anxious feeling by doing something I had always wanted to do. I’ve really wanted to be one of those people that puts their tree up like a day after Thanksgiving. My dreams are big, friends.

I traditionally never got around to putting up a tree until like 1 week before Christmas because I would often be waiting for my ex to find some time to accompany me to the tree lot, which he did all but once in our 4 yrs living together (we were together for 9). So I often would wait and wait until finally getting fed up and going to the tree lot alone and schlepping the tree into our apartment by myself. This was disappointing to say the least. I totally get that not everyone shares my love of this stuff but I would think, and I hope for in the future, that my partner would suck it up and do this with me for one reason and one reason only, because it would make me happy. But he never got that.

Just 2 days after Thanksgiving, I went to the tree lot with my mom to browse the selection and when I did, I noticed something kinda funny. I kept getting this grin on my face thinking that for the first time in years I was looking for my tree with a very different sense around me. I wasn't going to be buying it by myself and hauling it into an apartment I shared with someone else who really didn’t care, since I'm sure he would have preferred that we had no tree. I wasn’t going to decorate it alone while hoping that this someone else would join me, which he never did. No, I was doing it for myself and that made it so much better. Why? Well there would be no disappointments, and that’s sort of a big deal. I was doing it for me, and this made me smile. Big.

So the following day, we went back and picked out a perfectly-shaped, tall, narrow tree about 6 feet tall (the biggest one I’ve ever bought) and brought it home together. We decorated it with a few of my old ornaments and a collection of new ones (thank you, Ikea, for putting out such a rocking selection this year) and it’s really beautiful.

Now, I am one of “those people” and while that feels pretty great, I still have some residual worry about all this holiday business, so I’m currently thinking about the next thing I can do to keep me focusing on why I love this time of year.

So Dear Followers, if you are perhaps about to embark on the holidays as a newly single person, or as someone who maybe has had a rough year, what are some of the positive things going on right now that you can focus on? I’d love to know.

Breakups vs. The Holidays

The holidays are approaching and this leaves with some mixed feelings. You see, my breakup began shortly after New Years and although we were still together during the actual holidays, they were still tinged with crap.

Because of this, I’ve been thinking about what to expect this year when Christmas gets closer and I wondered just how much the memories of the breakup might affect the holidays for me. I mean, I was warned that my first holidays without my ex would be wracked with nostalgic emotional bullshit, but at first I found this hard to believe.

My ex hated the holidays, much less his birthday, and I on the other hand loved them. I've always spent the entire month of December happily decorating our home, usually by myself for the last few years with very little help. (Besides, of course, the year my bestie and I lived together and our home was a happy collaboration of Christmas-meets-Hanukkah holiday funness.) So I figured that when the holidays came around this year, I would almost look forward to freely reveling in full Christmas ridiculousness with no one around to scoff at me as I happily spent weeks decorating a tree far too big for my apartment. It never seemed like it would be particularly rough for me.

But then something happened, I got my first glimpse of the holiday bullshit I was warned about, but it was sneaky; no one warned me about the birthdays. His birthday snuck up on me and involuntarily sucked me into remembering all the birthdays we had together; full force nostalgia grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

So why did this happen? I guess it’s obvious. It's that damned nostalgia.

Nostalgia describes a longing for the past, often in an idealized form. The holidays (and birthdays too) are a perfect setup for this. It’s on those days of the year that you do especially sweet things for each other and it's easy to remember the happier times and see your relationship in its most ideal, happy glowy, form.

But there is also a flip-side to the holidays. They’re stressful too and I think they can be excellent tests of a couple's partnership; how you handle the stress is good fodder for why or why not you work as a team. And in my case, I have to remind myself of all the various not-so-nice things from those holidays too and the ways in which we were truly not ideal, or a team for that matter.

So now the Christmas decorations are up all over town and it does leave me with a little anxiety. After all, it’s my first Christmas without him. But I went ahead and bought myself an awesome tree and fully enjoyed decorating it with hearts and bubble lights and tinsel; and when I felt a little nostalgic while doing so, I managed to stop and look around my home and suddenly feel so proud and relieved about how much has changed in just short of a year. And while I'd like to say that any nostalgic memories that feel like creeping in can go right ahead and suck it, I'll really say that I'm well aware that this time might be difficult, but I also know that where I am now vs. where I was a year ago is a happy improvement. And that's what’s really worth celebrating.

So Dear Followers of my humble blog, how are you feeling about the holidays coming up? Optimistic? Anxious? I'd love to know because I know I'm not alone. And by the way, the blogger over at the The Rules of Breakup has her own holiday story to tell too.

Photo by by GcD^3 pictures

Hitting a wall (9 months later)

There’s this thing that happens in endurance sports, like running a marathon, when someone's been exerting themselves for a long time, their energy reserves start to deplete and all of a sudden they feel like they can’t go any further, too tired to move, they stop dead in their tracks; it’s called “hitting a wall.”

Well I’ve been running for 9 months now, I'm exhausted, and just ran face first into a wall – never saw it coming.

Making it through a breakup and coming out on the other side a better person takes work. A lot of work. You have to put yourself through quite a bit of self-reflection and analysis. Maybe not everyone does this, but I needed to. I've had to think about what I need to be happy and not just why my relationship didn't work, but what parts both he and I played in not making it work. It takes two to do the crazy tango, you know?

And this takes effort. And recently, I just got so tired of it.

Somewhere around the 9 month mark I started to break down and for a few days I seemed to be right back at Day 1. I really felt like I hit a wall; I stopped dead in my tracks and all thoughts of happily moving on and going forward with my life came to a halt. All I wanted to do was stop, drive to his house, pound on the door and say, “Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you?!” and then hear him say, “I’m sorry, I’ll change, I’ll make this work.” This whole wacky breakup thing seemed like one big, fleeting mistake.

Um, yeah. Insane, right?

But a phone call with my mom got me thinking. We talked for a while and she made me laugh, and then she said something really poignant, she said, "The thing that gets me is that he still has the power to upset you."

So I thought about that. How does he still have the power to upset me? That doesn't seem right at all. And then I remembered that (a) it's over and (b) he can't upset me anymore because he, in fact, is not around to do so. The only reason I was upset was because I allowed my thoughts of him to upset me. That's kind of ridiculous when you think about it. I don't need that shit. No thanks.

So maybe that's just how you deal with "hitting the wall." You sit down and rest for a minute and think about what is actually getting you down and if you need to, give yourself a break to feel sad for a minute. But don't feel sad for too long, pick yourself back up, remind yourself (however you can) why your relationship didn't work and keep moving on.

Because "hitting a wall" is just a temporary setback. It happens when you work really hard and, for whatever reason, you're just exhausted and maybe vulnerable to unpleasant thoughts. And on those days, I'm doing things that make me happy and keep me moving. I'm remembering all the reasons we are not together and talking about it. Because ultimately, it will pass; and when it does, I'll get up and I'll keeping moving forward with my life just as I've successfully done for a whole 9 months now.

So Dear Readers of my humble blog, have you hit the wall? If so, how did you get through it? I'd love to know because I know I'm not alone.

Photo by *Evelina*

Remembering it now.

Scrambels posing with my Field Notes.

"I'm not writing it down to remember it later, I'm writing it down to remember it now." -- Field Notes

One of the things I learned at the start of this breakup was that my love of list-making and data-keeping was going to somehow help me sort all this shit out. And guess what? It did.

There is something so comforting about a well organized list. It's clear, its solid, its tangible. Your tasks, goals, or groceries are all lined up in such an authoritative way. You can't mess with a good list. It speaks the truth.

Remember when I went to San Diego to see my best friend a few days after the breakup? (See: My Magical Best Friend). For the first time ever I sat face-to-face with her and told her what had really been going on in my relationship. I hadn't been open about it for a long time. When I was talking to her, I started to notice how wonderful it felt to say it all out loud, to be honest about it, and I knew I had to start writing it down because I didn't want to forget. You see, I used to do this thing where I would disregard our problems because we couldn't face them and basically "forget" them. Healthy, huh? So when I was sitting in the airport, waiting to go back home after the visit, I pulled out the hot pink notebook I bought right before my trip and I started to write a list of all the things I told her.

2/27/2009

-- selfishness

That was the first thing I wrote and then I kept going and the list got longer, more detailed and descriptive. Next, I started a timeline. I wrote down every year we were together and alongside each year I listed the big things that happened to us, both good and bad. And when I was done, I had this picture of our life together. What I discovered was that a lot of the years, I mean whole years, were rough. I always knew we had gone through a lot together, but to see it all on paper, in list form, gave me a really clear sense of how I honestly spent nearly a decade of my life. I could see that I belived I was in it for the long haul. You don't go through the ups and downs we did and not think you're in it for the long haul. We were committed, this is certain. But why? And if we were so committed, how did we fail?

To help me answer that question, I kept writing the lists, hoping they would lead me to some miraculous enlightened conclusion. Then the lists turned into essays and the essays turned into this blog. And all this list-making, data-keeping, blogging, and analysis has shown me something.

No matter what, we were all wrong for each other.

And now I carry that hot pink, little notebook in my purse and whenever I feel warm feelings for him, I re-read it. It reminds me of all the things I used to forget. It shows me how wrong we are for each other and that really helps me. It's helping me to move on and someday (hopefully someday soon) its going to help me to let go.

So Dear Followers of my humble blog, I encourage you to start making lists of your own, if you haven't already. I recommend buying Field Notes because they're great. (See: Grass Stain Green). If I had a fresh Field Notes notebook in my purse that day in the airport, I would have happily used it, but I didn't. So when you do start your data-keeping and list-making, order yourself a 3-pack of Field Notes. As the company states, "I'm not writing it down to remember it later, I'm writing it down to remember it now." Now how fitting is that?

................................................................................

Field Notes
INSPIRED BY the vanishing subgenre of agricultural memo books, ornate pocket ledgers and the simple, unassuming beauty of a well-crafted grocery list, the Draplin Design Company, Portland, Oregon in conjunction with Coudal Partners of Chicago, Illinois bring you “FIELD NOTES” in hopes of offering, “An honest memo book, worth fillin’ up with GOOD INFORMATION.”

Photo by jonrbeck

Breakup to Makeup

In the initial weeks and months of this break-up I had no choice but to focus solely on myself, and when I did, I started to notice something pretty unsettling for the first the time. I was unraveling.

Unraveling is kind of a nice way to put it. Let's face it, I was a mess.

I was haggard and exhausted and sad -- and I sure looked it, my friends. My hair looked awful. I think I gained 15 pounds from the stress of the last year leading up to the break-up. And my skin was a mess.

So one day after I moved into my parents house, I was talking to my mom about the breakup (shocker!) and I looked up at her and realized that her makeup looked really great and through my sobs I asked her what she used. Turns out she uses Bare Minerals makeup. She told me it was like a series of mineral powders you apply with brushes. I was intrigued, so we immediately went up to her bathroom and she applied the makeup on me. When she was done, I looked in the mirror and I didn't see a pale, emotionally drained mess looking back at me. No, I looked glowy and warm and healthy. And this really made me feel better. After that, I had full access to my mom's arsenal of beauty products. She may not like to shop for clothes, but the woman loves her products. This kick-started my current obsession with hair and makeup. I love it.

When you feel like shit and you've been pissed off or hurt, you can always curl your hair, put on your makeup, and feel good about yourself, and at least to the rest of the world, you don't look like someone who feels like shit.

Here are a few of my favorite hair, makeup and beauty product sites. I encourage you to find some awesome new products, go to Sephora, buy them, and enjoy yourself.

Makeup and Beauty Blog (my favorite beauty blog)

Hair Thursday

Makeup Bag

Daily Makeover

Beauty Addict

So Dear Followers of my humble blog, what new things did you learn to do to make yourself feel better after your break up?

P.S. For more posts on my current beauty obsessions, read these:

Ladies, One Word of Advice: Lipstick

My Obsession.... My Hair

Oh, and Cover Girl Lash Blast is some good stuff. Go get it.

Apparently, I'm air dried.

My BFF says:
do you see yourself like dating this new guy fer realz?

I say:
i dont know
im so not ready

My BFF says:
right

I say:
im really still pretty fragile here
i need it to be casual

My BFF says:
you're air dried

I say:
what?!

My BFF says:
you know in ceramics when your pot is air dried
it seems hard but its not fired yet

I say:
oh, right

My BFF says:
it's greenware
lol

I say:
so i'm like a fragile, air dried pot
i like that

My BFF says:
one day you'll be ready to be fired

To learn more of my BFF's infinite wisedom, read this: My Magical Best Friend

Photo by snapify