The verdict is in. I did not get an email from my ex on, or around, Christmas. I didn't really think I'd get one, but I had been spending some time wondering about it. (If you recall, "Wise Words (Part 3)."
Would he? Won't he? Will I?
The fact is, our emails never go the way I think either of us want them to go. And so I didn't get too upset. It's understandable. But I wonder what it might have felt like to get an email. It might have looked like this:
"Merry Christmas. I hope you are well."
That seems so cold, so impersonal, but it's most likely what it would have looked like. Not that he was cold or impersonal, but what else can you say in a situation like this? If I had gotten this email, I would have read it over and over again and agonized over what to write back. I imagine I would have written this:
"Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. I hope you're well also."
And in the end, what would that have gotten me? Nothing. No sense of closure. Just maybe some additional heartache, because I want to hear so much more than a few lines in an email and I want to say so much more back.
Before Christmas, I thought that the absence of an email from him around the holidays would have meant that he wasn't thinking about me, had forgotten me, or just plain didn't care. I've realized now that this can't be true. I didn't email him either and none of those things are true for me. We spent 9 Christmases together and 9 New Year's Eve's. I'm sure I've crossed his mind this holiday season, just as he's crossed mine (more than I'd care to admit). He wasn't a cold or callous guy, I'm sure he feels some sense of loss. And I don't think a Christmas email was going to make me feel any differently about the importance or impact we made on each others lives. Writing now wasn't going to change any of that.
Dear Followers, if you have a recent ex, did you hear from them this holiday season? If yes or no, how did it make you feel? And, most importantly, are you doing ok? I'd love to know, because I know I'm not alone.
Photo by Vera Vodak.
Photo by Vera Vodak.
Oh boy did I hear from my ex... he effin showed up. (I let him, I can't blame it on him...) but it didn't help. It actually made it worse in the short-term but more enlightening in the longer-term (if you call two months longer term). It reinforced our connection reassuring me that it wasn't BS. THat he felt it too and that I still knew it would never go away... no matter how long since we last saw each other. But being in a different state, I also recognized that the connection wasn't what I thought or wanted it to be all that time. It was there, and we learned from it and I am tremendously grateful for having that experience, I also saw it to represent a different type of relationship. One of a mutual teacher/student about certain facets of life that we explored together (do you believe in psychics?)...
ReplyDeleteIt made me miss him... his presence... the undeniable peace his presence brings me, but it also reminded me of the stress he added to my life and all the pieces of us that never balanced.
I'm glad he didn't email you and I'm glad you didn't email him. I bet he was on the other end wondering the same exact thing. Hmmmm. You are right... what would it have gotten you? You'll communicate with him when the time is right... even if the world presents the time with no warning :-)
(PS. This is E)