Options?

Options... I seem to have so many at the moment and it's making me feel a little nomadic.

I feel no real tie to Chicago anymore. Once my parents move out of the city (and the midwest altogether), that's going to be it for me. The rest of my family is in New York, my closest friends no longer live here, and my job isn't enough of a reason to stay. My job has been good to me. I've been with it for 5 years and in that time I've had the flexibility to go to school and get a BFA in Interior Design. Without the flexibility its offered (working off hours and the chance to work in the evenings if needed) my degree would have taken much longer. Now that I have the degree, I'm ready to move on.

And on top of that, this city is wearing me down.... to a small nub. It's loud, dirty, crumbling, crowded, and pockets of it truly smell like garbage (no joke, drive down to Ashland and Clybourn, its narsty). I feel like I've been to every bar, driven on every street, eaten at every restaurant, shopped at every store... you get the picture. My tolerance is all but dried up. I used to love it here, but I could only see the good parts. In the few warm months we have, its quite pretty. We have a lovely lake. We have lush, green boulevards and plenty of public parks. But what the fuck Chicago? Is that all you've got?

I see a pattern here. "I could only see the good parts." Sounds a little like my relationship, no? This is why it's also difficult to be here. I've lived in Illinois for 14 years, 10 years of which have been in Chicago and 9 years of which have been with him. All of my experiences here include him. I don't really want these reminders anymore. I want to start fresh in a new town and not be faced with the memories, good or bad. I'd like to make some lovely new memories and perhaps make some exciting new mistakes.

So where do I go? Spin the globe and pick a city? It seems as arbitrary as that. It can be just about anywhere. Two on the list so far: Anywheresville, California or Charleston, South Carolina. Why Charleston? I dunno!

To add insult to injury (and I am not exaggerating) there seems to be a college party across the street blasting Animal Collective while a chorus of drunk men are screaming out lyrics right outside my bedroom window. I might have heard a motorcycle too, which makes it feel like a lamer version of Road House... but without the Swayze. 

Oh, Chicago.... I'm so over you.

Grace in Small Things: 7 of 365

Photo by darkviper

Sometimes it's not easy to find 5 separate things to find grace in every day. So in the interest of documentation, I've decided to break the rules. I think that's allowed. So here is just one instead of five.

1. Floating.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

3 Months Later

My 3 month anniversary of the break-up was May 16th. Three months is a little less jolly than 1 month. At 1 month I was optimistic, proud, buying flowers, delving into insights, celebrating milestones, completing tasks, and seeing the whole world stretched out before me. 3 months feels different.

I think now it seems much more final that 1 month did. It's setting in.... it's over. And although I knew that before, the reality of it is becoming more clear. There's a different kind of sadness and I think the difference now is that I am, at times, angrier at myself than I am at him. This is a big shift and one that I did not see coming. I never felt like I was to blame before. I didn't want to beat myself up, I was kinda too fragile... I didn't deserve to be beaten up. But now I feel my part in what happened.

So much of his behavior was awful. So much of the selfcenteredness and the apathy was not okay. And yet, I acted as though it was okay. I acted as though all of it was normal and I adapted to his behavior in order to make it fit. Well that's not fair. I was not treated the way I should have been and deep down I knew it. I knew he wasn't the kind of partner that I needed, and yet I glossed over it. The warning signs. The miscommunications. I brushed it all away.

When I look back on 3 months ago I see a good deal of change. So much so that I can hardly recognize who I was or the choices I was making. Was I just blinded by love? By commitment? I can't really say. All I know is that I neglected the dull aches of anger and hurt that were telling me something was not right in the pit of my stomach.

And so I feel angry at myself for letting it all happen. I feel like I let myself down. To voice all of it. To be heard.

But I know that's not true. On one cold January night, my voice came burrowing out of me. My body shook as I blurted out the words. That I needed more. That I deserved so much more. And then I left.

So, I didn't buy flowers this time, it wasn't a flowers kinda day....but if I had, I would have bought some lovely white mums. Because, you know, I'm quite lovely.

My life is approaching fast.

Right now I'm searching for an apartment. While I love the idea of starting out on my own, getting to decorate my own home, living in my own space, starting new traditions and living my own life -- I'm also kinda scared. I haven't been alone in so long. Will I be okay?

So I search, and I search... seeing a variety of dingy, dark, small, old, crumbling apartments all over Chicagoland. I explore new neighborhoods since the thought of living in my old neighborhood makes me feel...well...ick. No thanks. And in my search, I stumbled upon a forgotten land called Logan Square. Trees, grass, boulevards, manicured lawns, old churches, historic landmarks. It's really lovely. I had forgotten that. I have happy memories from Logan Square, as that was the place my best friend and I lived about 5 years ago... and we had so much fun.

I think that's where I'll land, but wherever it is, it will be by myself. At times its a frightening thought and at times its liberating. I have to say, it's nice to think that I won't have to put up with anyone else's bullshit. For so long I cared for someone else, and for the most part did everything in our home by myself and for us. The thought of doing everything just for myself is pretty exciting. But the thought of being alone is, of course, tough. While I feel like for a long time I felt alone in my relationship, I wasnt really alone. He was there. And now he's not.

But guess what, I'm alone now and that's my reality. I'm not wishing for something to change in my relationship, I'm not giving up any part of myself, I'm not agonizing over someone else's feelings or needs, and I'm not compromising myself at all. That kinda rules.

And while I feel all inspirational and shit about my new life, I'm also pretty freaked out.

Original calligraphy by Andreza Keiko Mori

9 Niles

Nine Niles by Michael Cina

Number 9

I found this on Lolita. I think it's lovely and am now considering a tattoo of a nine. 

Just considering...

Image by Lolita.

Was it a waste?

It's been about 2 months and 2 weeks since I left him. When I think of how that time has passed, I think of all the positive things I've done, the change in me, and the clearer way in which I see myself. Then I think of the last nine years I spent with him. What was I doing? Was it a waste of time?

We were together for nine years and that seems now like an eternity, my whole adult life. I spent my twenties with him, pretty much every year of them. Sometimes I feel like all that amounted to nothing. I mean here I am, living with my parents, about to live on my own for the first time (no roommate, no boyfriend), I'm trying to change careers, I'm finding myself all over again, I'm starting from scratch.

I was sitting in a friendly, oddly comforting, dark, divey bar in the middle of the afternoon, catching up with a friend who I hadn't seen in years and who is also going through the break-up of a long-term relationship. She said to me, "I'm starting to think I've wasted a big part of my life." I knew the feeling, I told her that sometimes I felt the same way. But then we looked at each other in disbelief, both saying, "How could you think that? You've done so much!"

I've always seen her as a woman who charted her own path, fiercely independent, never answering to anyone. It never seemed like any part of her personality was silenced. She traveled, made lots of friends, explored new hobbies, became a dancer. I asked her how she could think that was all a waste. And then she said to me that she was starting to realize that all those years weren't wasted. It wasn't her life that was stagnant, it was the relationship that never evolved. I remember how I began to see other relationships around me grow and I watched my own remain unchanged from one year to the next. I wished desperately for a change because I knew I was growing and I wanted the relationship to grow too.

So we both looked at each other, seeing women that in our eyes did wonderful things with the past years, and we knew we couldn't view our lives as wasted.

I wanted to pursue Interior Design and I worked hard to get my BFA.

I wanted to travel and I went to Italy, London, Paris, Hawaii, Costa Rica.

I met incredible people, had wonderful experiences, had horrible experiences, and changed my life over and over again.

I was a waitress, an art gallery assistant, an art exhibition installer, a museum's assistant curator, a line cook, an instructional designer, and an interior design student.

I've fallen in love and had my heart broken.

For the last nine years I was truly loved and I loved back. I took part in one of the greatest experiences of my life and for that I am grateful.

I've allowed people to come in and out of my life who have taught me, guided me, scared me, and pushed me.

And I've made a friendship that became one of the greatest gifts and because of it I've grown up to be the woman I am today.

No, none of this was a waste.

I finally made a change because of how much I've grown and I plan to spend the rest of my life evolving and growing without any limits. Constantly changing. Constantly growing.

photo by Robert S. Donovan

Grace in Small Things: 6 of 365

1. My face lighting up, thinking of a possibility.
2. Laughing so hard as I instant message with my BFF.
3. Pleasant thoughts.
4. Smiling for no reason.
5. Getting very excitied for future plans.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Grace in Small Things: 5 of 365

1. Waking up to the daylight.
2. The sun filtering through my window in the afternoon, and the tree outside as it starts to bloom.
3. Seeing the sun peek through clouds after it rains.
4. Arriving home from work with the sun still shinning.
5. The sun going down and filling the sky with grey and blue.

Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.

Dissolving

I drove down the highway late one night from work, and as I headed for home it began to occur to me that I wasn't going home the same way I had gone the past few years on that familar drive. I had to take a new route, to my new home. My home without him.

Tired from a long day, all I wanted to do was fall into my bed in my own home, with him. Scenarios starting spinning around in my head.

I still had the keys to the apartment. I could go there, walk in... better yet he might not be there so I could just crawl into bed and sleep and wait. He would come home, see me, be so overwhelmed that he would grab me and tell me over and over how wrong he was, he would change, he would never lose me again. It would all be over. It would finally be over.

But it's so strange how I pictured us because as I saw him holding me so close, so tight, I saw myself dissolving into him. 

My mind formed that picture without me prompting it to. I just knew. I knew that if I went back that this person that I've become, this person that needs more, would be gone. 

I'd disappear all over again.

Wise words

"He's got his head so far up his ass that he can't see daylight...so I don't know what you expected."

Love, Mom

It Never Rains in Southern California

I heard this song in the car twice in the last 2 weeks and it was playing on LOST the other night. I had never heard it before now.

I think it's an omen.

Albert Hammond wants me to move to southern California and I think he might be right.



On second thought...

Got on a board a west bound seven forty seven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true.

Seems it never rain in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl, don't they warn ya
It pours man it pours.
Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self respect I'm out of bread
I'm under loved I'm under fed
I wanna go home
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya, it pours, man it pours.

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but don't know which one to take
Please don't tell them how you found me
Don't tell them how you found me give me a break
Give me a break

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl, don't they warn ya
It pours man it pours

My future life

A bright, coral dress caught my eye recently. When I tried it on, I found that it was really flattering and I looked quite happy in it too. But I thought, where am I wearing a bright, coral dress? A date? No. An event? None on the horizon. So where?

When I explained this dress to someone, I described it as a dress for "my future life." Sometime in the future I will get dressed up to go to dinner, or maybe even a date. I cant imagine dating now and I don't know when I'll be ready. Now it seems like such a bizarre concept. While I am not with him anymore, he is still "with" me. I cant share any part of myself with another person right now. In my heart, I'm still only his. At some point, this wont be the case. But that's in the future.

Now though, I think about my future life. What it will it be like? Will it include fancy dresses? I haven't bought anything fancy yet, but I sometimes wonder. I also wonder about "my future apartment." There will be a day when I'll have my very own home again.

I've seen a few things that I'd like for the kitchen of my future apartment. I don't have much at this point. What I do have is quite the ragtag team and besides, everything is in boxes now. I'm not faced with the mugs he filled with tea for me at night, the plates we used to assemble the dinners we made together, or the bowls we piled high with ice cream sundaes. When those boxes are opened and I start unpacking, I wonder how many of those things I wont be able to bear to look at again. I'm not sure yet what all of that will feel like. Again, its the future me unpacking boxes and perhaps sobbing into latte bowls and packing paper.

I imagine that when I do start to fill my future home, I'll amass a collection of things I truly love. I'd like to be surrounded by things I really enjoy.

I've had my eye on...

Ikat bowls from Anthropologie

Alessi Le Posate Ice Cream Heart Spoons

Mercury Table Lamp by Dania

Phantom Table Lamp by cb2

Branch Hooks (for jewlery) by Urban Outfitters

Pod Table by Urban Outfitters

nine lives

I went into the Renegade Handmade store on Division the other day and I found it to be filled with some very lovely things. As I walked around looking at the handmade journals, jewelry, aprons, t-shirts and dolls, it sparked ideas in my head about my next crafty project. What it will be? Will I take up crewling? I think I might.

While I was there I grabbed a cutie present for Mr. O, my best friend's son, and as I checked out at the register, one thing caught my eye.

A clever kitty pin.

So I looked around the Renegade Handmade blog and found that it is an artist by the name of Cathy Peng who creates these kitty images. I found her blog and website and while I searched around, I found 2 images that I loved. Each one reminds me of my not-so-clever kitty, Scrambels.

This one is "nine lives." It seemed prophetic to put it on my blog and I also loved it. Especially that 9th image. My favorite, the back of the head pose.

This one is called "Squeeze" and I thought it was so sweet. Very much like squeezing Scrambels, my not-so-clever kitty.

and my Scrambels himself, in all his glory....

Happiness

My best friend asked me the question, one week after my break-up, "If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?" I was kind of dumb struck, I had no idea how to answer that question and she was shocked. How could I not know, if the sky was the limit, what I wanted to do most in this world?

Now when I ask myself that same question, I end up with vague images of what my ideal life looks like, but it isn't tangible yet. They are just glimpses. I think I first have to ask myself, "What makes me happy?"

Ever since I was very young, I only wished for one thing when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake.

"To be happy."

I wasn't an unhappy kid, in fact I was a very happy, well-adjusted kid. But for as long as I can remember, I knew that if I had to wish for something for my future, it should undoubtedly be for happiness. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, or where I would live, or who I would be with; I only knew that when I was doing whatever I ended up doing, I had to be happy doing it. So every year I wished for the same thing.

"Happiness"

After this break-up, and only very recently, it occurred to me that happiness is all up to me. I have to be the one that makes that wish a reality. So, "What do I want to do?" and "What makes me happy?"

Well.... it's my my job to figure that out now.