On the morning I wrote my last post "Four Months", I wrote about processing the idea of not getting closure. About how all I can get from him, is what I already got. How I wanted to be able to talk calmly with him about our shared situation, but have begun to realize he may never do that. And for a while that day, I believed this was okay.
Later that night, I found myself reduced to a sobbing, albeit hysterical, mess as my best friend pleaded with me not to email him and threatened to call my mother to knock down my door and stop me. How did that happen?
The night before, I was told by someone that he’s been sleeping on various couches, one of which belongs to a "random girl." I was shocked and saddened, but I didn’t react. Actually I wasn't entirely shocked, oddly enough. I wrote "Four Months" the next morning. It wasn't until that night that something began slowly creeping over me... and then proceeded to swallow me. I started picturing him with this girl, thinking of how he’s forgotten me. How maybe he’s so much happier without me.
All of a sudden I began to feel hurt and used. Like the life I had led for years was a lie. I also felt this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. This was so bizarre, so foreign. I'd never felt this before. I felt so easily replaceable. Disposable. And, well, worthless. This feeling took over me and every rational thought I was having... just vanished.
I think it's important to explain that while you can sit and process and analyze, talk and commiserate, plan for the future, and make declarations and observations -- that all of a sudden and out of nowhere you can be thrown into a place you never thought you were capable of getting to. A place that can grip you so tight that you can’t see yourself for who you really are.
I have to believe, and hold onto the fact, that he does not hold my sense of worth. That his love, didn’t make me a whole person, and his lack of love doesn’t in turn make me worthless.
Every time you feel you have hit your worse, you realize there is someplace deeper to go.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he's lack of communication is due to his own weakness and not a symbol of the value (or lack of) that he placed on your time together. Maybe he needs to seperate in order to continue to move on. Maybe that's what this new girl is.
The thought it sometimes comforting. :-)
I think thats a really good point. Thanks. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to think that when someone does something that hurts you, it's a reaction to how they feel about you (or dont feel), but it could really just be their own weakness or inability to cope and have little to do with you at all. It has more to do about them then you. Which makes sense in his case.
I guess that's one way to look at what this new girl is to him. But I cant help but wonder what a new guy is going to mean to me...
My stomach clenched in knots for you when I read this. I don't think we realize how much we depend on a relationship for that sense of worth until it is not there- and revaluing and reevaulating your self is such a hard process to engage in....
ReplyDeleteThanks. This was a tough one. It's a hard process to evaluate who you are without the relationship you've been a part of for years, but its so important. I find myself constantly reminding myself that I'm doing well and I'm really a whole person, not just half of what's left, oh, and that I'm awesome too. :)
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