Monday, June 28, 2010

A Series of Parts: Part 3

So, Dear Followers, have you been wondering what happened in March? Well… we met, we talked, and we both walked away with a shared respect and love for one another that only two people that shared nearly a decade together could have. All is well in the world and I got all the closure I so desperately needed and now live a peaceful existence knowing that I’ve neatly closed this chapter in my life.

Well… in the fantasy world in which I do not live, that would be lovely, wouldn't it?

Here’s what really happened -- in my reality.

March, Week 1:
Two weeks after our text conversation, March arrived. March -- the month he said he would contact me when he got back into town -- the month we would meet in person. I spent the first week waiting patiently for a text from him telling me when he’d be back like he promised.

March, Week 2:
When the 2nd week ended I was still optimistic. After-all, it was just the 2nd week. I thought, maybe he was coming back in the last week of March and was going to wait another few days before contacting me. That seemed very reasonable. And so I waited... patiently.

March, Week 3:
When the 3rd week ended, I began to get anxious. My patience started to fade.

March, Week 4:
I watched the calendar. I watched my phone. I flinched every time I got a text. March 31st came and went, and it was over. I never heard from him. EVER.

I came up with many excuses such as,

Maybe he didn’t come back in March because his plans changed.

BUT if that were the case, wouldn’t he write to say that he wasn’t coming and ask that we postpone our meeting for the following month instead?

Maybe he found my blog, it pissed him off, and he didn’t want to speak to me ever again.

BUT if that were the case, why not tell me he found it. I really can’t see anything here that would bother him. I mean, yes, it’s his life too that I’ve poured out into the world but I’ve always felt that this blog tells MY story, not his, and therefore really isn’t any of his business. I write about the ways we didn’t work, but mostly in an indirect way, and I try, at least, to explain that we share responsibility for what happened to us. I don’t mean to paint a picture of him as a super villain and if he thought I did, I would hope he could ask me about it. OR, maybe he found the blog, got pissed off, and decided I wasn’t even worth talking to for any reason, ever again, even if it was to say that he was pissed.

Well, no matter the reason for why he didn’t contact me, I never heard from him. And this, my friends, broke my heart all over again -- at least for a little while.

I was sad, angry and heartbroken. And then I became more angry than anything else. "How could he do this to me?", I thought. What would propel someone to dick over someone they loved for so many years? If indeed he was scared of seeing me or talking to me, then why not just say so and say he wasn’t ready yet. That I could I understand. That I could accept. Dicking me over just to be a dick? That I can’t accept.

So for most of April I felt like I had a flashing neon sign permanently over my head that read, “FUCK YOU,” that went off whenever I thought about my ex.

Kinda like this:

This really just about sums up how I felt throughout most of April.

But then again, despite being angry, I also felt like he had given me some kind of gift. What gift, you ask?

The gift of being a True Asshole.

I know this sounds weird, but maybe he took the saintly way out by hurting me to help me. It reminds me of those scenes in sentimental movies where the little boy has to give up his beloved dog because he can’t care for the dog anymore and knows that the dog will have a better life living on the family farm than with him and he goes, “Go on! Get out of here! I don’t want you anymore!,” while choking back the tears as the dog runs away. I felt like that dog.

I felt like he was telling me, “I’m just going to hurt you if we see each other. It’s going to be painful and re-open old wounds and will most likely hurt us rather than help us. So go on. Get out of here. I don't want you anymore.” Maybe that’s why I never heard from him. I’d like to think this is the reason. Maybe he did what was best for me.

I also know his limits and quite honestly, expecting him to tell me that a meeting between the two of us would be hurtful or that he wasn't ready for it, is totally uncharacteristic. He never confronted me much before about deep emotional issues when we were together, why would he now? And as my mother once said, “He’s got his head so far up his ass that he can’t see daylight... so I don’t know what you expected.”

And so, I never heard from him again and this I believe had to be the best thing. Because when all is said and done, I loved him for about a decade of my life, good or bad, right or wrong, it was love, it was real, it was my life -- and to see him now might bring all that back to me in a way that makes me forget why were apart in the first place. (And I really don't want to forget.) Maybe he knew that. Or maybe he doesn't give a shit. Maybe he was afraid of what would happen to him if we were to meet. Or maybe he truly doesn't give a shit. Whatever his motives, he never contacted me and I have not heard from him to this day. And I'll never know why.

So what did I do in March, besides wait by the phone? Well, in addition to flinching every time I got a text thinking it might be him, I did a lot of things. I ran my first race. Remember? That was a huge and incredible accomplishment. I am so infinitely proud of that and it got me hooked on running and racing.

What else did I do in March, you ask? Well, friends, I began to seriously date. Yes, date. And I like to think, that with or without closure, March was a success in so many ways.

Dear Followers, our regularly scheduled blog will now resume. As you can maybe tell, I’ve had a busy a few months and I really needed some time to make sense of everything that happened (and didn’t happen) before I could write it all down. Now that I’ve done this, I’m happy to pick back up where I left off and catch up with my blogging family (The Rules of Breakup, Champagne Before Breakfast, It Never Rains in Seattle, According to Me, and The Secret Dreamworld of E) along with many other wonderful bloggers and readers whom I’ve missed dearly.

Now that I’m back, I plan to regal you with tales of my foray into dating as a 32 year old girl who hasn’t dated since she was a 19 year old girl, how I’ve tried to honestly come to terms with my lack of closure, and what life looks now -- moving forward and moving on.

Much love to all of you out there. Thank you for reading.

-- Le B


  1. Wow. All I can say is what I ended up saying to myself about my ex the other day: he really is a gutless wonder.

    I really, really know where you're coming from. And as you know, I too am trying to find closure somewhere within myself. It's tough. I'll let you know when I figure out the treasure map. ;) But I have to say, reading that from the outside, I am sort of glad you didn't see him. I don't think you would have found what you're looking for, and maybe you would have just got sucked back down. Maybe I should be grateful for my lack of any contact. Thanks for the vicarious perspective!

    I'm SO proud of you though for the run and for the dating, and I'm dying to hear more. You realise you're trailblazing on our behalf now? No pressure... ;) Hope you're having fun though, and so glad to hear you're okay.

  2. I think thats the wonderful way to think, despite whether it is true or not. We all need that kind of closure sometimes, but its hard.

    Also, sounds like your month has been eventful, and congrats on the race and running.

  3. I want to be mad at him, but I'm too happy for you. Maybe that's all that was meant to happen? A reminder of why you are where you are and why it's the best for you? I'm gonna look at it like that. :-)

    I'm so impressed with your running. Can you send some of your inspiration over to NY for me? Keep living your life... it's allll yours! :-)

  4. ...and I can't wait to hear about the dating! :-)

  5. I'm so glad you are back and Oh, my did this rock my world a little bit. You are sooo damn strong.

  6. People always show you who they really are, you just have to look closely. He showed you who he really was and came up short. Bravo to you for being strong.

  7. Le B,

    I thought hard on whether to comment or not. Here is what I can tell you:

    I did pave the way for my ex to contact me, just as I did with the exes before her who are still my friends.

    Our last conversation ended in standing invitations to call each other and catch up. I called her on her attempt to make me jealous and give me an unabridged description of her dating and love life. My closing statement: "You are the one in a relationship, you call me".

    She has not called. Why? It is a question she herself must answer. I have been ready to handle anything she throws my way since month four of my post break up life, but what she learned when she called me was this: I will not tolerate her BS.

    If she cannot bring herself to call me to have a civil conversation or have something interesting to say, then she has made the right decision.

    It seems to me you have done the same. That he lacks the balls to live up to his promise to meet you tells you more about where he is in his healing / life. A move a across a continent is a BIG deal. I know. I miss my city in California!

    It takes maturity and commitment, and lots of respects for former lovers to re-engage, reconnect and be part of each other’s lives. One has to let go of the past, live the moment, and not to expect too much from the future.

    You are on the verge of this. He is not. He is not ready. You cannot do it alone. One day perhaps he will.

    What is great about all this is that you have arrived. This is a new you, not the one that was healing, but the one who is now living!


  8. oh yeah..that was me above .... Santaslil.

  9. I have found that often interactions with the ex still serves to move things backwards instead of forwards at this point. As disappointing as it is that yours did not get in touch, it is a good reminder that he can not give you what you need (?)/ want(?) from him, even in this current context. I think that is the gift that this interaction gave you. Good luck with the dating! I have started that too~ it is a whole new world out there!

  10. i'm new here....closure is like breakups quite often: messy and i've read on another blog (susan elliott) sometimes you just go on and there will always be a hole in your heart...that we're all in some form 'the walking wounded' trying our best to move forward and not look backwards because things didn't work or get processed 'properly' (whatever that means esp when it comes to emotions and breakups of the heart)...I miss my ex of over 2 yr now everyday (she met a guy 2 mo after me and got married last april)...after 1 yr of NC she emailed me asking how i was and hoping my life is filled with joy and happiness and to drop her a line...uh...don't think least not yet..her email just raised a bunch of feelings of anger, sadness...regret, missing her...missing us...i guess we all march on as best we step, one day at a time.

  11. Hey, friend.

    Just a note to let you know that we're still here for you. It sounds like things have been very... interesting! I hope the dating is going well. And as for the ex, well...

    On the one hand, you never really do get over the ones who used to hold a place in your heart. Their place remains theirs, even as you push it to the side so that you can make room for other (perhaps more worthy) suitors. But even so, you can always treasure the good times. The weirdness of wondering "what if?" will fade over time. And he will always be a royal douchebag.



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